Anxieties
by HidingFromTheOthers
Summary: Gilbert's Life is a mess and hes run out of ways to deal with his anxieties. Can Arthur help him deal with his problems or is he really hopeless? PrUK Rated for Self-harm and Suicidal thoughts and Attempts.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** Hallo! This is Hide! I wanted you to know that this is the first fic that I have posted on this account. You may have read some of my other work, but as my name implies I am hiding, so you may not know who I really am.

**Okay! I would love your reviews, but first; I don't really want to be judged on my grammar or spelling I just want to know what you think of the story.** **K?**

I hope you enjoy the story.

Oh, wait two more things!

This story is rated for self-harm and suicidal thoughts and actions.

**I don't own Hetalia it belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya**

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**Anxieties**

The bitter taste of bile lingered in his mouth after the fact and the acid burned at his throat. Why was he doing this to himself, it was the first time he had eaten something substantial in several days, but his mind and body rejected it. Within a short period he found himself forcibly heaving over the toilet.

It had all started almost a year before. Gil's life had gone further to hell then it had already been. He had found himself trying everything he could to calm his anxieties, but no matter what he did nothing worked until one day his anxieties got the better of him and he found himself throwing up. He felt strangely relieved and after sometime it became his new form of self-harm.

Then one day Mattie came along and Gil's life started to get tremendously better. Mattie understood him and didn't judge him. They were happy for a while. Mattie was the kind of guy anybody would have wanted. He was cute and smart, but eventually Gil's anxieties got the better of him and he started to doubt himself. He started to believe that he was the worst kind of boyfriend, always judging Mattie, telling him he could be better, getting upset with him when things didn't go his way, always complaining.

Gil didn't want to hurt Mattie any more so he chose to break up with him. It surprised Gil and hurt him that Mattie showed no emotion when they broke up. Yeah, Mattie had his own problems that Gil really couldn't handle, but it felt like the boy didn't care at all what happened between the two of them at the end.

Now here he was again not eating and when Gil tried to he would just throw it up again. He watched his own reflection in the mirror. Gil had never been this thin in his whole life. He could count his ribs and all his bones jutted out sharply. He let his eyes fall to the sink basin below the mirror. On the edge of the basin was a straight razor.

'_Do it! Do it! Commit suicide! Commit suicide!'_ The little voice in the back of his head chanted. Gil picked up the blade and examined it. The blade was so well polished he could see his own reflection in it. What a pitiful sight, he was so thin and tired.

"Vielleicht sollte ich," Gilbert said out loud though there was no one to hear him. He raised the sharp blade to his throat. He could feel it scrape along his neck "Ja..."

Before he could go through with it though, the doorbell rang. Gil froze in his actions and quickly gained a sense of the situation. He was more than a little panicked with what he had all most done. He tossed the razor in to the sink and pulled on a shirt before bolting to the front door.

He struggled with the sticky door knob for a moment than threw open the door to be greeted with a scowl. Of all the people to stop him from his own foolish action it was him. The bushier browed Brit continued to stare at him for a moment before speaking.

"Are you going to let me in or make me stand here all day?" Arthur demanded. Gil stepped out of the way and held the door open for him to come inside. "I heard you and Matthew broke up a while ago and I wanted to see how you were doing," He told Gilbert as he found a seat on the couch, having to toss games, pillows, and clutter out of the way to do so.

"Ja..." Gilbert said tensely.

"Well, how have you been then?" Arthur finally asked. Gilbert tried to find the words to tell his longtime friend what had been happening, but he was at a loss. The Brit was watching him intently. Gil walked over to ware he sat on the couch and slid down to the floor in front of him. He stretched out his arms and rapped them around Arthur's waist and laid his head on the others lap.

It wasn't words that told Arthur how the German had been it was the sudden jerking motion and the shaking sobs that told him everything. Arthur rubbed circles on Gil's back and ran his fingers soothingly through his hair.

"Whatever has happened you don't have to go through it alone, Gilbert" Arthur told him. Gil shook his head. It was going to take a lot of convincing to get Gilbert to even tell Arthur what was wrong.

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**Author's Notes:** Thank you for reading!

If I get good reviews I may write more to this. **R&R Please!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's notes:**

Sorry that the chapters are not that long for this, but it's easier to just write what I feel rather than writing more just so there is more for you to read.

I realized something odd well I was writing this chapter; every Russian rock song I like really well is about suicide…

**Any way I'd love to know what you think so far. Kay?**

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**Chapter two**

They sat cross from one another at the long table in Gilbert's kitchen. It had been over a month sense the last time they had seen each other. Matthew watched Gilbert throw his wavy fringe without speaking. It bothered the German so much it was as though the boy was silently mocking him, rubbing in the fact that he was okay without Gilbert. Finally the German spoke.

"What did you come here for?" His voice came out as harsh as the question had sounded in his head. Matthew tucked his hair behind his ear before replying.

"I wanted to see you." The tone was innocent, but monotone.

"Why do you act like us braking up doesn't bother you?" Gil asked bluntly. The boy's face only showed the slightest hint of a change.

"I've been damped before, I can handle it," He told him, It was identical to what he'd said the day they broke up.

"Well it pisses me off. It makes me feel like you never gave a fuck," Gil's voice was raising in volume, but before anything else could be said Matthew's phone went off.

"It's my brother he said flipping open the phone as if the prier conversation had never happened. After a moment of Matthew talking in rapped French to his American brother on his cell he hung up the phone and turned to Gil. "I have to go now so see you later Gilbert." Matthew told him before letting himself out the front door.

Something in Gilbert felt like it was braking. Had nothing mattered between them? The emotions weld to the surface again. The regret, anger, hate, and sadness all boiled up making the bile rise in this stomach. Gilbert bolted to the bathroom. He puked nothing but, bile in to the toilet bowl. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd eaten anything at all.

His stomach calmed, but his mind didn't. It wasn't a strong enough fix. No this time it wasn't a temporary fix he wanted it was the whole thing he desired. Gil yanked open the Madison cabinet and shuffled through the battles reading each labels as he went. Eventfully he found a battle of prescription strength sleeping pills. He poured the capsules out in to his hand. The capsules were people and gray with black printed letter. The plastic glinted in the fluorescent light of the bath room. He rolled the sleeping meds around in his hand, giving his decision a little more thought.

All he could think of was reasons why he should do this. He felt like an awful, useless, cruel, and selfish person. He could have been better to Matthew. In his howl life he'd never been able to make his father proud. All he ever did was fight with his brother. He never trusted his friends. His mother was always so good to him, supporting him, talking to him but, no, she favored his brother. All Gilbert ever did was get mad and yell at her.

No one was going to miss the waste of space, air, and money Gilbert was. Even Antonio and Francis had moved on in life without him. Yeah, Matthias came to see him and they'd go drinking together, but he only ever talked about Lukas. He was happy Gilbert wasn't and hadn't been for a long time. This, this was okay. If anyone did miss him they'd get over him in time.

That was enough reasoning for Gilbert. He turned on the facet and filed a glass with water. He held it to his lips letting the liquid fill his mouth. One by one he swallowed down the plastic capsules until everything faded.

The last thing that he heard was someone calling his name from somewhere else in the house.

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**Author's notes:**

**R&R Please and thank you for reading this.  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's notes:**

Wow like nobody's reading this story! But, hey, I figured that much when I started writing it. It's an odd paring and the story is dark.

**Thank you to those of you that are reading this. A review would make me super happy. Tell me what you think so far. K?**

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**Anxieties**

**Chapter three**

Arthur rang the doorbell for the fourth time. Something the well-mannered Brit felt under normal circumstances would have been very rude, but no matter what he couldn't shack the feeling that something was off. He'd bumped in to Matthew on his way back from visiting Gilbert not ten minutes ago. Matt had said that Gilbert had seemed really upset with him, but he didn't know why. Arthur did though and as so as he parted with the Canadian he bolted for Gilberts.

He rang the doorbell for the fifth time with no answer. No matter how many times he tried calling Gil's cell he didn't answer witch was not something that happened with the German man. His phone was his lifeline he never let it die and always answered it.

Arthur gave up on the doorbell and tried the nob instead. The door swung open with ease. He called for Gilbert as he slowly ventured in to the house. No one answer. He checked each room as he went. At the top of the stares he saw the light was on in the upstairs bath room and the door was ajar.

"Gilbert" He called nervously. May be the Germen had been in the shower and that's why he didn't answer the door. No response came so Arthur approached the door and pushed it open slowly. When the room came in to full view he could not suppress his panicked scream.

Gilbert lay on the floor where he'd fallen with the pills scattered on the linoleum from the battle that lay only a few inched from his fingertips. Arthur quickly grabbed the man's wrist to check for his pals. To his relief there was one. He proceeded to pull out his cell phone and call for help.

Everything became a chaotic blur for Arthur from the moment the EMT arrived until he found himself standing outside the hospital room when the doctor approached him. The physician greeted him with a kind smile. The expression scared him because he wasn't sure if it was a good sign or not.

"Arthur Kirkland?" The doctor asked.

"Yes, sir"

"Gilbert will be fine and is scheduled for relies tomorrow." The doctor told him.

"Tomorrow? But, shouldn't he stay longer until you know that he won't do it again." Arthur asked vary confused.

"No he's to be released tomorrow." The doctor responded. "Now you may go in and see him. I have other patients to attend to." And with that the doctor walked away.

Gilbert appeared to be quietly sleeping when Arthur entered the room. He pulled up a chair beside his hospital bed and sat down. The Brit watched him for a little while before he dared to touch him. Gilbert was pale, paler then he normally was. His platinum hair was a disheveled mess and he had an oxygen tube in his nose.

The sight made Arthur feel sick. He'd known something had been wrong and he could have done more, but he didn't do enough, now this. The always self-centered, arrogant, egotistical Gilbert was lying in a hospital bed.

Arthur took hold of Gilbert's hand and held it. He found he could no longer hold back the tears. He baled like a scared child, he was scared.

"Arthur!" Arthur jumped up and looked to the door way to see his best friend and Matthew older brother Alfred standing in the door way. Matthew darted into the room from behind Alfred and to the other side of the bed from Arthur. Arthur watched him for a moment letting the anger grow in the pit of his stomach.

"Why did you bring him hear?" Arthur demanded. Mattie jumped from the hate in his voice.

"Um... He wanted to see Gilbert." Alfred told him.

"Get out!" Arthur shouted. Mattie said nothing and took of out the door. Alfred glared at Arthur, but said nothing before flowing after his little brother.

"You don't need to yell." it was Arthur's turn to jump. He looked down to see Gil was awake.

"Sorry," He told him and returned to the chair he'd been sitting in. "There realizing you from the hospital soon. When the let you out come stay with me for a bit, alright?"

"Why?" Gil asked still a little groggy.

"So you don't repeat this over again." Arthur told him. Gilbert turned his head away.

"No." He said.

"Please." Arthur's eyes threaten tears again. "I want to help you."

"Fine," Gilbert told him. "Now let me alone to sleep." Arthur nodded and stayed quit but didn't leave his side.

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**Author's notes:**

Thanks for reading! R&R Please!


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